Tittle : In Grief
Pairing : OnKey
Genre : Angst
Rating : pg
Summary : in happy, I believe
you will be able accompanied with love
in grief, I ask ...
how your heart speaks?
A/N : This is only because I heard a song that good in my ears. This song title is 'in grief' by letto. This actually is a song that speaks in my native language. (words in green are the lyrics. I tried to translate it. so, I think, partly mess. (sorry;_;))
in happy, I believe
you will be able to accompanied with love
in grief, I ask
how your heart speaks?
Ambulance siren. The red evening sky. Smoke. Footsteps in a hurry. Hysterical voices. Blood.
Bloodied arm curled around my injured waist.
"Kibum, __ you okay?" Weak hoarse voice from the body lying beside me.
Tears. Cold room. Sad faces. Without him.
"Maybe he will no longer together with SHINee!"
"Why? He'll be fine! Will be cured! Just like me! Just like Taemin! Just like you! "
"Who are you kidding? He will be paralyzed! "
"Ahh!" I woke with a start. My eyes widened to see around. My breath irregular. My room?. That dream again.
I turned toward the familiar voice. My throat is dry. He’s sits there on his bed.
" __ is okay!" I re-set my breath. Calm down!.
"_ Bad dream?" He asked again. I don’t want to see him.
I woke up from my bed. Taemin still asleep curled up in a bed next to mine. The light was still burning brightly. Silent. Clock ticking sound so clear. It's 3 am.
What is he doing at this hour? Why still awake?.
"Yes! Just a bad dream _ " I stood up from my bed, my throat was so dry. I can not go back to sleep. "I'm thirsty!"
"Ah, well! Let me get ah _ Ahahahaha__ I think your mug on the table, ___ I had borrowed it __ "
My breathing suddenly became heavy. Swallowed, become something painful. My legs like glued to the floor, not moving.
From the corner of my eyes, I saw his melancholy face with a forced laugh. Empty.
Just a bad dream! Just a bad dream! Just a bad dream!
I tried to walk casually. Calmly.
My hands trembled, making small waves in the water in my cup.
Why is this?. He does not always have to fetch your water and calm you when you have bad dream, Kibum!. It's okay, it's okay. Everything is alright.
My body unbalance. The water that I brought spills wetting my slippers. I look at him. He was leaning over, trying to help me. I quickly straightened my body. My legs hurt. Who is the fool who put this stup -__ wheelchair. My heart was hot. I wanted to kick away that wheelchair,
"_ You okay?" JinKi looked at me with worry. I don’t want to see it!.
I hurriedly walked to my bed and covering my entire body.
"__ I'm sorry__" he apologized. for what?.
"Just... shut up!" I turned. my back facing him. My eyes hot, tears come out without my asking. My leg hurts! It's sick.
If it's really just a bad dream. How nice.
# # #
Stories that we have
would not exist if in disbelief.
At least I'm alive.
At first it was horrible, but this is my life. I guess I can deal with this, I'm a singer not a dancer. I'm still allowed to participate in the fifth album though. That's all right.
"Ah, hyung! This! " Taemin with his smile innocently trying to hand me a cup. Since I took almost 15 minutes to trying to grab that cup. The cup was located on the middle shelf. I was even difficult to reach it now.
"Thank you _"
Not that I'm not aware of their sincerity. I know they genuinely help me. I have always recieved their help even before I become like this. But not just because I find myself to be a big burden for them but, seeing them pick something up for me, walked me, walking in front of me with their feet __their legs_ I feel jealous.
I'm a bad person.
"But hyung! he will alone then! Can’t we wait for others to come home first? " Taemin half-whispered voice, insistent to the manager. That sounds pathetic.
I'm holding them back.
The dorm’s very quiet. All gone with their schedules, manager and Taemin had just left, looking worried after I assure him that I was okay.
Actually, in fact I’m not really okay.
I can only look at the mess I had just made. Only fifteen minutes I was alone, I've dropped a lot of stuff. Just wanted to take a box of cereal, all the contents of the upper falls, because I find it hard to reach out. I'm totally useless.
Actually, what am I doing here?.
Difficulty I reached this place. I struggled to get out of the dorm room. Hahhh I did great!.
Either from when a distance between the elevator and the door become this far?. My breathing’s irregular. My hands ache (after turning the wheelchair that carrying my body). I stick out my hand to reach the elevator button in front of me. Quite difficult.
Ouch, my stomach vibrating. I mean cell phone vibrate in my pocket hoody! At times like this.
Even when it has become like this, I still sloppy.
"Ew __ah uh euh__" I tried to reach my cell phone that’s just I dropped on the floor. My hands can’t reach it past the wheelchair. Damn!. Seriously! I want to cry. I'm phatetic.
A thin white hand take my cell phone and handed it towards me. I looked up. This is not good, I'm sure my eyes are watery. " __ Kibum __?".
He just looked at me without speaking. His eyes were empty. I can not read it.
I looked down automatically, I stuck out my hand to take my cell phone from his hand. "Thank y__eh?"
Suddenly he pulled back my cell phone.
"Who?" He said suddenly.
"Who would you text? Who would you call?" He said, messing tweaking my cell phone. "You're cheating on me?".
"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!" I could only gawk. Undoubtedly, he is almighty. With a flash, he can flip through my mind, my heart. I smiled automatically.
"Where are you going?" He asked. Hands my cell phone.
"Huh? _ Err, I'm going to the vending machine on the third floor eheh _ "
He directly holds my wheelchair boost and pushed me into the elevator that had just opened. He pressed the three button.
"I __ I can do it myself, Kibum!" For some reason, I again feel uncomfortable. I'm upset.
"I know!" He said briefly.
"And _ I can do it myself! I say _ "
"Don’t leave me!" He said softly. Flat.
"Do not leave me ~! You know? With all the rumors of ghosts in our dorm. And when I came in, no one was there, I was alone? You know how creepy moment was that? _ " He went on spoiled.
I don’t want to smile. No. Idiot! You're not good at lying. Your tone, your words just __ not in accordance with your facial expression is not well with your heart either. I could see your reflection in the aluminum elevator doors and I can feel your heart.
" So, __ do not leave me!"
If so, if you continue to be behind me, how can I see you?.
Hey Kibum! What should I do.
# # #
when your day is empty
and when your heart is empty,
I'll be there, I’m there, with you always
Quit what? Changing the leader what? How can they say things like that?.
I walked fast. I'm angry. I'm sad. __ I don’t know what to do. Just now, manager and Mr Lee talking about him. JinKi fate they said. They said he removed from SHINee. He will not take part in SHINee anymore. Changing leader _ replace him. What a lie?.
I want to meet him now!. It shouldn’t be like this!. He still have to be with SHINee. With me. I must see him now, to make me calm.
JinKi where are you?.
I couldn’t have called him. I'm like crying right now, my voice would not come out well.
I've just finished recording my part. My part is finished J
It means he is in the recording studio!.
I speed up my steps. I have to make him stay with us. With me until that time come.
My heart is already messed up, this increasingly erratic when I could not find him in the recording studio. There is only the composer and producer there. They have gone home? Why didn’t wait for me?.
Make me a taxi home was enough to make my day so perfectly bad. I heard something that shouldn’t I listen, I haven’t seen JinKi until now and they left me home by myself.
I did good! I bought milk, Taemin need this. Bread wheat, Minho and his healthy diet. chicken, JinKi course. True!, Shopping helps me release stress. I bought all this after they did not wait for me? Why am I so good?.
Forget it! I didn’t hear anything. Nothing is wrong!yeah!.
Hmmmmm, how to cook this chicken? (We'll be fine as before) grilled chicken? (Do not worry) Chicken soup? (He will recover) Fried chicken? (everything is alright). JinKi liked fried chicken most, but yesterday we've been eating fried chicken (JinKi not going to anywhere).
"Ah! I forgot to buy something for Jjong! __ " Damn! Why is my heart beating fast like this?. "__ Well, boiled egg for Jjong !" Why I can’t keep my calm?.
My footsteps hurried along the corridor’s apartment that’s still lit by red light in the afternoon. Yet all is fine as usual right?.
"I'm home!" This is very strange?. I just saw Taemin sat huddled in the living room couch. "Where’s the others Taeminnie?!" I put my groceries on the kitchen table.
This is strange. Taemin didn’t answer me, he just turned his face. Why? Is there a problem with his school?. well, I'll talk to him later. I walked into my room, our room. I want to see JinKi first.
I feel like vomiting, nausea, my stomach filled with such as bitter fluid, when I didn’t find anything anyone in our room. I immediately walked to the bathroom. None. Minho and Jjong’s room. None. Balcony. None. Laundry room. None. I can’t see JinKi anywhere.
My face hot, when I saw Taemin. His eyes wet and red, he didn’t want to look at me.
"Taemin, where are the others?" For some reason my voice trembled and stinging.
"Hyung-" Taemin just look away briefly. What's this?.
"Kibum-" Jjong came from behind the entrance, Minho and the manager hyung trailing behind him. I'm still looking towards the door of the newly passed manager. There should be one more person through the door right?.
"Where’s JinKi? You don’t wait for him? " I asked. When the manager closed the door quietly.
Jjong and the manager hyung approached me. Minho instead just stay where he is, not moving. Strange look on their faces. mellow.
"KiBum__ listen to me! We still SHINee__ JinKi too. But, he would support SHINee differently now! " What is he talking about?.
"This__ Is good for all of us!"
"Where’s JinKi?" Who are you talking about?.
"Kibum, JinKi is the one who wants this! We can not deny it. This is also for the good for all of us! "
I really want to throw stuff at these people. What have they done? What are they doing to my heart? Where's My JinKi!.
"Hmph! You said we still SHINee? What's this? You guys kicked him out? " What Joke is this? Worse than JinKi’s joke.
"Kibum! Kicked who out? No one - " Your voice can still be even that high Jjong?!.
"You don’t even tell me about this thingy! You don’t even invite me to take this decision or any of this! " You are disgusting.
"This decision! For the good of all! He just wanted to concentrate on his healing! he - " healing you said? You say if he could not recover. Manager hyung!. You just want to keep him away from me right? You and your business mind!.
"Who decides JinKi can’t go home anymore? SHINee? So, am I no longer SHINee? I don’t recall ever for approve any decision?!. " You all're really annoying!. "Where is he?! __ Out of the way you jerk! ".
Where’s that person? As a leader he should stay with members.
"Kibum! Where are you going? " I passed Jjong and manager rudely. Where do I go? You ask? What do you care?.
"Kibum!" Minho who had been silent, held my arms, holding me.
I was too strong today! My emotional turmoil. With easy I could let go of my arm from Minho. I slammed the door behind me. My legs ran. Where?. Of course to him.
Slamed door and I heard footsteps behind me. I hear voices calling me. I don’t care. I want my JinKi. I don’t even know where is he? I have to go to where?.
Why the world like spins slower. Dizziness. My feet like don’t touch the solid. I squeezed my head felt like going to broke. What's this?. Painful. I tried to reach what can be reached by my hand. But my hand can only find the wall of the corridor where my fingernails scratching the paint layer. Hoping to reduce this pain. Useless ! My body's a mess.
I could faintly hear them calling out my name. I can still hear Taemin screams among the buzz that meet my ears.
My legs gave up, letting my body slumped to the floor. I could feel a pair of rough arms hold and embrace my body. Minho?.
Where is JinKi?. You're supposed to help me!
# # #
when your path is lost
and when your breath is away,
I'll be there, I’m there, with you always
Our faithful ShaWol. My dear MVPs. They left many messages of love that worried about our situation. I see a lot of our me2day mention. Yes, they still don’t know my situation.
I'm curious, what statement will be management issued?. What will be the same statment as they used when Kibum -hyung could not be together with Super Junior anymore because of injuries his vocal cords and lupus?. or would be more strange than just 'more concentrated for acting'?. since I'm not acting.
It's a good decision Lee JinKi. I can’t possibly continue to hold them back. I don’t want to be their burden, the burden of anyone!.
This place is pretty good. Where I was deceiving myself! Haha. They said this is the place of therapy for my legs. Hmpft! Who I am and they lying?. Of course I know my feet can’t walk anymore. my spine is demage! How to fix it?.
I miss Kibum.
How’s him? He must already know I'm gone. He may not find me here. It's nice that they keep my place now. I'm not blind, he increasingly doesn’t look healthy. Always in a hurry over to me when he saw me anywhere. Take care of me. Doesn’t let me do anything. I am a very big burden for him.
My head feels heavy, it is not lifted. I'm comfortable down to the ground, let the evening sun shining on my hair. I closed my eyes prevents the blinding red light entered my eyes.
Eh? Why become dark? A shadow covered the sun in front of me. I squinted, my eyes trying to focus on the figure standing just a few feet in front of me. His face isn’t clear, because the background light is too dazzling.
"__ What are you doing here? __ Hhhh hhhh - " he said haltingly. His voice quiet with irregular breathing.
I was shaking. My heart was beating fast suddenly. I could clearly see the figure. But it's not like him.
"Kibum?" I do not believe it. How did he -?
I saw a mess skinny guy. This guy wearing baggy black jeans, white shirt hung loosely on his collar bones, his tattered green army jacket, his hair messy. This is not a fashionista Key.
"What -? How did you -? This is-"
His pale lips. His uncolored skin. His body is skinnier. The bones of his face more clearly visible. His breath is irregular, he looks like just run a marathon. What is the fifth album so torture him?. He is not good.
"What are you doing here?" He asked again.
"I'm supposed to ask it to you!" I try to calm, resting my back on my wheel chair.
"I'm here to ask it! What are you doing here? "Okay, he's Kibum.
"Hhhhh, why are you here? Who gave you know I’m here? " I don’t see any expression on his face. "Haaaaaaaa ~, you're the almighty ~ of course you can find me on your own way! But, you wasting your time by coming here Kibum! Don’t you have completed our fifth album? "
"For what I work hard for that album? You also don’t do anything and instead stay here! You're the leader! "
All right! It's no use. I may not win over Kibum.
"Kibum whatever! go home! You-" I turned my wheel chair.
"You hate me?!"
I turned back to him. hate him?!. I saw his impassive face.
"-You even tell your mother not to give me know where you are! -" He's looking for me?.
"Why are you so hate me! __ I know if you had not jumped into my chair and protected me, maybe that accident had killed me. But, because of it, you be like this__this is all becaus of me raight? __ I'm sorry__ " his voice unclear. What is he talking about. Is he stupid?.
Apologizing for what?. If he died in the accident, what I live for then?. Could not walk doesn’t matter, rather than lose him.
"Kibum never mind, if you feel like that. Working hard for my last album then!" I can not see him, I turned back to him. I want to hug him.
"Aww! Well-" he threw a roll of paper into my back head.
"Change it! What kind of a thank you is that? "
He threw the paper with my thanksto for the fifth album.
"-What an idol when you were writing it? That sounds like a message of death! As you will die! As you'll __ leave me! "
He's crying!. his face and his eyes red. He's like a child who wants his parents come home early. Ahhhhh you're immature Kibum.
"You can’t go around like this Kibum! You will stay in SHINee for me. " I picked up a roll of paper on the floor. I struggled to write this, the outpouring of the contents of my heart for him. but instead he threw it like this. "This is not about you Kibum-"
"I already told you, do not leave me!" He said looking at me without blink.
I sighed, he really doesn’t make it easy "Kibum whatever -"
"Which part of the sentence: don't-leave-me! that you don’t understand Lee JinKi?!" he started screaming with his sobs.
I could not finish my words. He immediately ran and hugged me kneeling. he sobbed on my shoulder. Squeezing his bony fingers on the back of my patient pajamas, it's a pain. He’s sobbing buried his face in my neck.
Kibum you think it’s easy? Decided to stay away from you?. Do you think it's easy to leave our family?. Do you think it’s easy to decide that no singing anymore?. You think it’s easy? Loving you, miss you, and can’t see you? Can’t touch you?!. You ruined it all Kibum!.
I can’t hold it anymore the tears wetting my cheeks. You make me want to go back. Back in everything!. He destroyed all that I have decided with great difficulty.
what I, we have to do?. We were like two fools who embraced on the roof of therapy house the sky was getting dark. Two grown boys who cry bleak whiny toddlers.
"I already told you! __ Do not leave me! "
# # #
in love, I ask
till where this love will be teased?
I don’t understand what love is. During this time, I thought love is us! Us!. But I began to know that it's not love. It is affection. Love that seen in front of me seemed deeper than that.
I saw a man standing beside a large window holding the cover of our new album. His last album.
"Hyung! it’s about to begin! " I said softly. Actually I don’t want to disturb him at this time. When he read his message again in our album. Him to commemorate his time.
He smiled at me patted my shoulder and stepped outside. I took the green album cover that he just leaved on the dresser. I ran after him.
Same as him, I'm sure if he'll see us stand for him. yes, I believe.
Shouts voices like the roar of the fans. Always makes me shudder. This last session of our concert without him. yes, without him.
"Key _" I shudder to hear his name called. Suddenly all the shouting was lost. Silent. All lightsick slowly off.
"__ He must know that we all love him __!" Jjong-hyung was drowned in his sobs when he look at the big screen.
The voice sounded like sobs begin to fill the concert stadium. Jjong-hyung not cry alone. I also see Minho hyung’s eyes red and wet.
My eyes are also hot to see pictures of him appeared on the big screen alternately. It's been a year huh? You go that way.
"Hmph! So you tell me to don’t leave you! But you left me! You and all your selfishness! " I heard a mumble from JinKi -hyung smirks.
I guess, love is a mutual exchange of affection. I think love is something beautiful always. But it is not it. I see, I hear, I feel. If something that KiBum-hyung and JinKi-hyung have is love, then love is something terrible.
Kibum-hyung gave his spine to JinKi-hyung. He kept his brain wound from the accident from everyone. Suddenly leaving us. Didn’t even allow JinKi-hyung to see him for the last time. He was like crazy when he can’t find JinKi-hyung. And he says he did it for love.
JinKi-hyung willing to protect Kibum hyung when the accident happen, though it causes sores on his spine. Made him paralized. He willingly left his sing, something that he loves so much, in reason to don’t want to become a burden for KiBum-hyung. He died when he knows Kibum hyung's death. He was still dancing, singing and living with Kibum hyung’s spinal-, although anyone who saw him must have sensed that he was suffering and empty. And he said, because of love.
They hurt each other.
I was sobbing, so does everyone in this stadium. All, except one. A person who is looking at nowhere. Someone who just have hollow in his eyes. Someone who didn’t turned to the big screen behind him even once. Someone who now began to sing a sad love song.
You see Kibum-hyung? We love you.
I don’t know what love is. I don’t know, whether my tears and the tears of thousands of people in this stadium, or is JinKi-hyung’s voice that sings a mournful song without any tears, that called love?
Key Thanks to:
To Onew that has lasted for us. My dearest member. I love you guys.
For you who are willing to accompany me. Who does not leave me. Wants with me. Thank you for not hating me. No need to waiting for me, walking alone, Do not look back till the end, because i’m the one who'll wait for you. For you JinKi, the one I love.
--it's done! \(^o^)/ kkkkkk
all are welcome lovieeeee <3